I have quite honestly lost count of how many times I’ve gone on to the blog, wanting to post, I haven’t posted since January and even that was a short bursts.
My biggest fear is that before, I would feel so passionate about something to do with my illness, or get inspired by something that may help others. Mental illness was a huge part of my life. I feel like I lost that spark, have I ran out of things to say? I re-read old posts and find myself relearning things I had forgotten.
For a while, this was because I was not struggling with any Bipolar symptoms. It just wasn’t an issue. That led me to really miss being hypomanic and so creative, inspired, I don’t feel like I am “doing enough” sometimes when I’m not working on a project. So I messed with my meds, then I just forgot about them completely. This led to a brief hypomanic episode following a heavy crash into depression and anxiety, which I don’t always get, but still no inspiration.
Even whilst I write this, it is not flowing out of me like it usually would. I don’t feel that flow, and I don’t feel like I am writing anything of any substantial purpose either.
My Bipolar is again a huge part of my life, and yet I still feel I have little to say on the matter. It’s like it’s there inside me ready to burst out but just will not surface.
I have plans, I intend to bring this blog to YouTube. I am ready, I have everything I (think) I need to get started but I hold off. I can’t fake that passion, and I want it to show.
Since writing that initial post, I have come a full circle.
I have started Youtube and gained a small platform to begin to reach people on social media. Yet, I cannot write, and I cannot film.
As I have explained, I used to feel such a passion and energy when I had some thing I want to get out into the world regarding Mental Health, especially Bipolar. But for now, the posts I attempt to write get no further then bullet points. This isn’t even how I create my posts, it usually just flows out of me. I cannot type or spell, each sentence takes a huge amount of correcting. It is as if I have forgotten where they keys are on the keyboard. I don’t have the articulation to explain what I want to say, and I cannot find the words to link my ideas together into something possible to follow.
When it comes to filming, it feels as if I am just reading from a script. I base my videos on posts I have written, attempting to expand on the points made. I can’t, I can’t think of what I was trying to say and you can see the lack of inspiration in my videos.
So I do not post, I do not upload, instead I sit and feel guilty about not doing so and attempt to push past these feelings, a vicious cycle.
Being Bipolar, creativity comes in hurts, and can dip away. Sometimes I find this follows suit with a mood episode, and sometimes my Bipolar only seems to affect energy and creativity without leaving me with any other symptoms of depression or mania. It is difficult to not compare yourself to the highs of what you can achieve in a hypomanic state.