I have quite honestly lost count of how many times I’ve gone on to the blog, wanting to post, I haven’t posted since January and even that was a short bursts.
My biggest fear is that before, I would feel so passionate about something to do with my illness, or get inspired by something that may help others. Mental illness was a huge part of my life. I feel like I lost that spark, have I ran out of things to say? I re-read old posts and find myself relearning things I had forgotten.
For a while, this was because I was not struggling with any Bipolar symptoms. It just wasn’t an issue. That led me to really miss being hypomanic and so creative, inspired, I don’t feel like I am “doing enough” sometimes when I’m not working on a project. So I messed with my meds, then I just forgot about them completely. This led to a brief hypomanic episode following a heavy crash into depression and anxiety, which I don’t always get, but still no inspiration.
Even whilst I write this, it is not flowing out of me like it usually would. I don’t feel that flow, and I don’t feel like I am writing anything of any substantial purpose either.
My Bipolar is again a huge part of my life, and yet I still feel I have little to say on the matter. It’s like it’s there inside me ready to burst out but just will not surface.
I have plans, I intend to bring this blog to YouTube. I am ready, I have everything I (think) I need to get started but I hold off. I can’t fake that passion, and I want it to show.