Bipolar Rant! Stop Giving Me Terrible Advice

(Disclaimer: This post was written during. mixed episode before I had the diagnosis and treatment for bipolar disorder. I am keeping the post unedited to share the true reality of how this frustrating disorder can make you feel.) 

Bipolar rant! I am so frustrated with people always having an opinion to voice as fact! No matter what I do some superior being has some BS advice for me to take as absolute gospel. 

One minute I am told I need to be myself more, express my opinion more, care less about what others think about me. Stop trying to please people, they say. Then as soon as my mood lifts and I start acting displaying more of my emotions people don’t like it, they tell me I need to relax, chill out. What the hell am I supposed to do?!

Ugh, my brain is so wired and my thoughts are so fast. There are so many of them that I don’t get to finish them, just jumping from thought to thought so how do I even verbalise what I am thinking without it turning into a huge mess! This is becoming too much for me.

I am so fed up of being the passive one, the submissive one. I swear to god I always bend to do what other people want to do or try to tone down certain behaviours to suit them better. I see it as respectful, but let me ask you this, who shows me that respect? Nobody. Are people softer on me in depression, no. Are they calm and respectful when I am manic? No. I want to fucking scream, just fuck off. 

I always try to better myself, I want to have positive relationships and positive experiences, and let’s face it like most people I do want to be liked. I believe that I am a good person, I have a lot to offer, but I accept that I am not perfect and I try to work on my flaws. I rarely see this in others, I am frustrated to no end. Why do my flaws get scrutinised yet others get accepted?

They are not better than me, I work damn hard at work and in life, facing a daily mental battle and I still achieve so much. I have a successful career, positive social life, financially fine, so many skills and talents and these people, usually who can’t even say this for themselves, want to tell me how to think, how to behave, what goals to set. The best part is THEN THEY CHANGE THEIR MIND! I am so done with it, why even offer up your opinion when you don’t know a fucking thing. 

People always have an opposing opinion to voice, a debate to be found, like why is it everything I do or say has to be flawed? You don’t know more than I do. I see and think about the world, my self and life in a way these people just can’t, yet, because they cant understand I have to adapt to their level or I either get rejected or have to reject them. This makes me pretentious or whatever. Stop fucking talking back to me especially when you don’t know shit about my job, my mind, my morality etc. You see what I let you see and that is very little and oh-would-you-look-at-that-I-fucking-wonder-why!

Who are these people to comment on my borderline/bipolar fucking situation, when they literally lack the ability to experience anything close to what it actually is. Why aren’t people just supportive?

It makes me so mad, people say the wrong thing all the time and just constantly invalidate me to the point where I cannot actually mentally take on any more I am already thinking about so much so either help, act normal or fuck off. I am so mad, my heart rate wont settle and I am getting so hot, I know I will not sleep tonight. I want to just run away from it all.

You don’t know what youre talking about. No I am not ‘just sad because of work’ no I do not need to ‘just remember being happy’ or ‘just remember what worked last time’ you need to stop trying to trump my disorder with your one experience of feeling mentally unstable or what you saw on fucking TV. You also need to stop trying to trump my job with your ‘I work harder than everyone else’ mentalities when literally you do not know the extent to which a manic person’s mind and body can be pushed. You literally don’t know a single thing. It’s actually a little funny that people are this self absorbed, this ignorant and grandiose they think they know more than a medical professional. (not me.)

It is a shame, I feel so euphoric aside from this anger and I want to share it with the world but people cannot get on to this level. I connect to my environment that most people never experience, I cant share it because people don’t want to share it with me. They listen but nobody hears me. 

It is as if what I am saying doesnt come out in the way I think it does, I heard it explained that language does not exist to explain these feelings and I think there is likely to be some truth to this. Saying my thoughts are fast does not really explain this beehive like sensation that makes me so god damn tense. I feel these things so internally and I am so familiar with the sensations yet I have no words that accurately portray how I feel, how I experience life so intensely especially at the moment.

I am just so done, this level of thinking does not accomodate me and I’d rather be on my own level anyway, its better here. Colours are brighter, the world is lighter, I am uplifted by the energy around me and should be a channel to bring this enlightenment to others, but I will try no more. When ever I am like this, whenever I am this manic that I just can’t stay on that level, but not so uplifted that I feel fully detached, I find I just cannot be with people. I always end up shutting myself away, focusing on creating or researching, it usually becomes the only thing I want to do anyway but I wish I could be the life-of-the-party like I used to be, people just don’t know me anymore.

What do I do? If I don’t share my true self with people I will always feel like I emotionally never fully connect but with this level of rejection I just don’t see why I should put myself out there or why these people even deserve me to. I don’t even know if I have even explained what it is that I am frustrated with, I literally cannot think coherently enough to make a logical structure of this.

I just want to get away for awhile, be myself by myself.

So I guess this is what I am stuck with now. I need to let me be me so wither get on level with that or give me space and stop trying to shove your ideologies in my face. 

Photo by ralaenin from FreeImages

3 thoughts on “Bipolar Rant! Stop Giving Me Terrible Advice

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