Looking after myself better is something I recently discovered through a previous post that I need to do some serious work on to start to feel safe in myself.
In this post I identified a greater need to fulfill my physical needs for food and sleep ect. Since then I have identified and started working on another area, my internal dialogue.
By this, I mean the way I talk to myself and perceive the events in my life. I have noticed that for me this internal dialogue has become extremely negative and I think this is quite damaging, it certainly makes me feel worse.
With BPD this unwanted internal dialogue can come at any moment, for any reason, and they are so unsettling. The emotional response that I have is huge, taking things to the extreme. For example, my partner didn’t feel like doing much this weekend and we had made plans, I took this as he never wanted to spend time with me and felt like I was bubbling over with fear the entire day that this was the case, but it was me telling myself this not him.
Not only are these reactions so extreme, they linger, it takes so long for me to overcome these little hiccups, usually days. It’s exhausting, they occur multiple times a day and I have not yet healed from the last time. I am so desperate for this to stop that I have asked to go back on antidepressant medication, something I hate doing.
Ultimately something has to change, I have to change this internal dialogue. The first step in this is to recognise it, which for now I am able to do through recognising that I feel bloody awful. Then I talk back, or talk over it. If the voice just told me I’m worthless because I feel lost. I tell myself that is not true, that many people feel lost and there are ways to feel better, that I will be ok and will find self worth because I deserve to. If I feel like hurting myself, I will hold myself instead.
I find this to be quite soothing, it works quite quickly at taking the intensity of the emotions away but they still linger. I hope that through repetition I can embed this way of thinking to be more forgiving and understanding towards myself. This will take time, and work though, but what other choice do I really have?