I recently wrote a post about wanting to come off my medication to feel manic as I had been struggling with these thoughts for a little while, and they are not getting easier. I will try to explain more clearly in this post the reasons I want to come off my medication.
My Experience with Mediation
Medication has so far been a positive experience for me up until the point of increasing to my current dose and something just feels off, I feel on edge but I have not been consistent with the dosage so it is hard to tell right now how it is affecting me. Before I was on medication I was quite dramatically up and down and this has certainly stabilised since staring my current medication.
So why would I want to come off of them you might wonder. I have multiple reasons.
Lack of Emotion
It is not just the case that I don’t feel mood swings on medication, I don’t feel much emotion positive or negative. I feel flat, it is incredibly boring, and the world feels grey. Things that I used to really enjoy I am passive towards, things that used to upset me no longer bother me much. This is both good and bad but I don’t like feeling this detached from emotion.
Lack of Excitement and Passion
Alongside the lack of emotion I lack passion and enthusiasm about anything, my job, my writing, creating pictures. I used to want to make clothes again and I feel apathetic towards the ideas now, I could take them or leave them it doesn’t really bother me. This lack of passion is bringing me down, especially at work or when I don’t enjoy going to my favourite gym classes any more. I am getting behind at work, I am not progressing physically as I’d like to be.
This is a big one. I am still experiencing bipolar symptoms including racing thoughts, ideas that seem to bounce off one another and not stick around long enough to be pursued. I am having hyper-sexual urges and temptations to do stupid things. I am having urges and ideas of things to spend my money on that I ‘really need right now’ to pursue that next great hobby or idea, the only thing I don’t feel is the actual emotion behind it. So I question if I am manic and I don’t treat myself as if I am manic because I do not feel manic. I was learning how to manage symptoms and now they do not surface in a way I am familiar with I don’t know what to do about them.
Identity and Validation
I am bipolar. I associate my bipolar so closely to my identity, I would not be who I am without being bipolar. By medicating it away, whilst the medication itself provides validation as mood stabilisers are primarily prescribed for bipolar disorder in a mental health regard, it leaves me feeling as though I have lost a core part of myself, It is not quite a recognisable self when I do not display the joy, passion, energy of mania alongside the lows of depression. I don’t like being stable, I want to feel my emotions so strongly like I used to. They make me me.