Something inside my head has changed recently, it is as if I disagree with all of my previous decisions and actions all of a sudden. It almost feels as if a switch has gone off in my brain and I feel like a completely different version of myself.
One of the main things I have noticed is that I am suddenly not enjoying my job any more, each task I have to do frustrates me, it is as if I do not want to be there. I don’t know what brought this on, it feels as though overnight something inside me has changed. Not only this, but I feel an intense desire to find a new path for myself. I was researching taking on additional qualifications in my spare time in counselling yesterday, but it costs a lot of money and I do not know if I have the time or energy to go through with it whist staying in my current position. I don’t want to quit my job necessarily, just feel the passion and excitement that I used to.
As a person I am quite generous to the people I care about, not looking for bragging rights. I have been so sure of this for a while and all of a sudden I question why I am so willing to give away what I have earned, the things that I have saved for and worked for and I am just giving these away for free. I want to help my sister have the things I didn’t, but at the same time they are mine and I want them back.
I don’t feel much at the moment, I don’t know if it is just the medication I am on numbing my emotions but I feel little excitement towards my relationships. I still care for others and I still enjoy their company, but I find myself questioning the intentions of other people and thinking that they have a poor judgement of me which makes me feel less positive towards them. I am under a lot of pressure at work and I feel I am associating people with stress perhaps. When people ask to see me, instead of being excited like I usually am I just feel like this is taking up time that I do not have and I don’t want to feel this way about spending time with my loved ones as I enjoy it so much.
Mania vs Depression
I don’t feel as though I am manic or depressed, in fact I feel relatively stable which makes this sudden switch over feel incredibly weird to me. I would understand if these were decisions I made whilst manic or depressed and had since come out of the episode, but I don’t believe that to be the case. Unless these decisions were impacted by my recent mixed episode. That would make sense and could explain why I feel so many mixed emotions towards these decisions now. A combination of manic and depressed symptoms could indeed lead to some questionable behaviour and decision making.
I believe a large proportion of this is brought on by stress, everything feels like it is going to exhaust me and I feel a little burnt out. This stress is largely due to work, my psychiatrist informed me that stress is terrible for triggering bipolar disorder and I feel this makes a lot of sense. The difficulty here is trying to not react to these feelings and manage the underlying cause of it instead, which is difficult when stress is practically unavoidable at work. I know a lot of this pressure comes from within, I have high expectations of myself, however this is exacerbated by situations at work that will not disappear for a number of weeks.
I feel disappointed with my medication, I thought it was supposed to prevent symptoms but instead I feel it just numbs my emotions. I still have symptoms it seems of bipolar disorder influencing my decision making then leading me to question it afterwards. I feel like a different version of myself on this medication, I feel ‘stable’ but I don’t quite feel myself. I feel a little agitated, everything frustrates me and I don’t feel passionate or excitement any more. I feel like I have lost a part of myself that I identify so strongly with.
I have not been doing well sticking to a regular eating or healthy sleeping pattern which I feel is probably not helping. I feel very little desire to eat, and whilst I feel tired I feel little desire to sleep as well. I can’t explain this without feeling the mania or depression that comes alongside the disorder. I want to feel my emotions so that I know how to manage the disorder, I don’t have a one-size-fits-all treatment plan and I feel I need one.
I feel the key approach here is to look to manage the mental illness and stress, which require similar treatment plans as I. outline using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs theory here. This predominantly comes down to being stricter with my wellbeing and not allowing myself to neglect my own needs due to high stress.