Wanting to come off my medication is a thought I have been struggling with for a while now and it is incredibly counterproductive towards recovery. But this is the problem, part of me doesn’t want to get better.
Bipolar Disorder is a Gift
I wrote in my post 10 reasons I love being Bipolar mostly about my experiences through Mania, the intense joy, passion, energy and spirituality I experience when I am manic. Yes there are some downsides, I act impulsively and I can hallucinate, but there are undeniable positives to the disorder.
When I am manic at work I am able to achieve so much, I am my most productive, my most creative. I am also a lot of fun to be around and this has a positive influence on my work relationships. I get the best ideas which lead to great results, I participate in events and get my name out there more and more. I have passion and enthusiasm.
When I am manic in my free time I write more, I draw, I create. I become so inspired and full of life that I want to do more and more. I push my limits at the gym and achieve my best when I am manic, I socialise more and I am incredibly good company, I am funny and bounce off other people with complete ease.
I love myself when I am manic, I believe I can do anything. I feel so much energy from the world surrounding me.
Is it so terrible that I want to feel this way again?
Stability and Medication
Recently I have increased my mood stabiliser and since doing so have definitely been feeling more stable. However I feel the odd manic symptom creep through and I just know I would be manic if I wasn’t medicated. I have had some racing thoughts and speech, random bouts of bursting into laughter, hyper sexuality, been staying up late, felt inspired to create, but the medication is suppressing it to the point where I can’t really feel it anymore.
How does it feel to be stable? Boring as fuck. I am just normal, nothing is overly exciting and I am not particularly passionate about much, I get tired and I can’t achieve as much. I hate it.
Mania is a curse
So is it so bad that I want to give it all up and go manic again? In some ways yes. As I mentioned I am experiencing some manic symptoms and they are not all positive.
Included in this is hyper sexuality, I am managing to control myself to a point that I wouldn’t achieve unmediated. I could also become very irritable or paranoid and damage my relationships. I could overspend, another thing I am controlling at the moment.
I don’t want to do anything stupid at work, in my relationships etc. I have a festival coming up and this could spike a manic episode, it has before, unmediated this could lead to problems.
The biggest downside to going Manic is the impending crash into depression, which is the key thing I am trying to avoid in my recovery. I question if depression is worth it to experience mania, perhaps I am underestimating it but I feel if I continue to manage my needs then I might be able to manage it.
I really don’t know what to do.