I realise that is has been a very long time since I have written something new, it has been three years since I was diagnosed as bipolar. Many things have changes and many have not. In this post I will attempt to describe my life so far since being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder
I still struggle with medication
I have written many times about how I feel addicted to hypomania, how I often want to come off my medication, how I love being bipolar. None of that has changed, I went around a year without medication and while for the most part I was stable, I did experience highs and once tough low. I felt more like me again, my rollercoaster life was back. I have started a new job, which requires me to be on top form. I have since started my medication again and am at a level of mild high mood that allows me energy and motivation to perform every day. As always, I do not recommend this behaviour, just being honest.
It consumes me less and less every day
Each day, unless I am experiencing major symptoms, I don’t think about my diagnosis very much anymore. It used to consume my thoughts every waking second of every day, I used to monitor my moods and warning signs so closely. These days mood shifts creep up on me, only occasionally, but when they come I do not see them for too long. this has happened because I was so stable without medication for so long it is as if I almost forget I have this disorder, I struggle to relate.
I see mental illness everywhere
A lot of people I know have been diagnosed with bipolar, BPD and similar disorders, all of which I find I am quite attuned to noticing the symptoms of the disorders. Having done extensive research, I sometimes wonder if I recognise symptoms too much.
I don’t do myself any favours
One of my biggest flaws is and always has been that I do not help myself. Yet again I have put myself through major change, relationships, work, living arrangements all changed within 3 months. In addition to this, dedicating a large proportion of my sparse free time to supporting those close to me leaves me burning the candle through a 360 degree flame, exhausted, yet proud. The disorder has built a resilience in me that not many could achieve.
I am extremely nostalgic
I am not 100% sure if this is Bipolar related, but I believe this has something to do with the extreme empathy experienced within bipolar disorder. I am extremely nostalgic towards certain times in my past, often regardless of if I was truly happy then or not. I do not know why yet.
I feel like a fraud
Having been on and off medication, having been stable and unstable, there is one thing I come to realise. I can only remember and therefore relate to the mood episode that I am in. for so long this has been mild hypomania. I cannot remember how it feels to be depressed or truly manic. I feel like this makes me some kind of fraud, where I know I should see this as a huge step towards recovery. Its just not that simple.