Sounds like a good thing right, I have reached a point where my disorder no longer consumes my every waking and sleeping thought. The problem is the more this happens, the further away I feel from a core part of my identity.

Being Medicated Is Fantastic

Since finding the perfect dose to keep me ever so slightly hypomanic, but fore mostly stable, I have succeeded in many areas of life. I have achieved levels of performance in my new job that I wouldn’t, and wasn’t, able to reach without. I have felt content.

It Feels Boring

The problem herein is that this all feels so mundane and boring. I am used to a life filled with ups and downs and three years in I still miss the ups. I no longer experience massive bouts of energy and burning creativity, these helped me to create content for this blog, as well as other projects. This year I am actively working on these projects again, learning how to be motivated without the mania.

Coming Off Medication

In an (irresponsible) effort to combat the boredom I came off my medication, this time for over a year. I experienced depression, mania and mixed episodes but never found myself in a position to write about it. No matter what that creativity never came flooding back, the thing I missed the most. Starting my new job, I decided to go back on medication.

Hopes for the future

As I write I find it harder and harder to truly relate to the throws of Bipolar Disorder. For many, I hope this is a sign that things do become manageable. For myself, I hope to one day find an acceptance and balance in my life with a mental illness.

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