I think I may be becoming obsessed with my bipolar, it affects me so much every day at the moment, it is all I seem to think about when left to my own devices.
I am in the middle of a mixed episode – where you experience mania and depression at the same time at various levels. I am fortunate enough to be more on the manic side, I am full of ideas and the desire to do something, my speech is pressured and I cannot stop fidgeting. However I am also experiencing some depressive symptoms – my body feels so tired, I need more sleep, I have racing negative thoughts that aren’t mine, I don’t want to move.
These symptoms combined can be very uncomfortable, having the desire to work and achieve whilst feeling tired and like I cannot be bothered, agitation when I do work loads due to feeling physically overworked, fidgeting and uncontrollable urges when I try to rest. I don’t feel happy, more like I am running on adrenaline going 100 miles a minute, but no euphoria.
These manifest themselves in a number of different ways and this is why I feel a little obsessed because I experience something every day and I feel like I am forever checking in on myself, its tiring.
I am not able to take a full lunch break at work because I can’t relax, can’t sit still, I don’t want to rest I want to be busy doing 1000 things. This isn’t a bad thing, I can get a lot done, but because I feel tired this causes me a lot of stress which brings on agitation. I start arguing with people in my mind over trivial things, I feel aggressive and impatient.
I have been feeling like bugs are crawling on my skin, it’s horrible. Even my face, that is the worst part. This usually happens whilst I am driving and I am worried that it is dangerous as it is the only hallucination I experience that I actually believe in, in the moment.
All day I just want to come home and relax, do nothing with nobody, yet I get home and this aggression, this angry energy won’t leave me alone and I feel like I need to get out. I go out, I need to come back. I’m like a cat it seems… But it is not fun, I literally don’t know what to do with myself.
I have nobody to talk to that could even begin to understand me, plus I fired my counsellor after he told me I was possessed, yeah. So I turn to youtube, and watch videos about other peoples experiences. This comforts me, but I end up spending all day managing my bipolar, and all night listening to stories about other people’s bipolar. I never escape, I really need to.
This makes me want to turn to drink, to just not be sober to not have to deal with this. I know how bad that is, if I drink like this I risk losing it into mania or depression. I could be hospitalised, but I feel so desperate. I have been to the gym every day this week and it isn’t helping me manage things quite so much just recently. (DISCLAIMER: Alcohol is not the solution here. See my post on managing mixed episodes here)
I don’t really want to see anyone because I am just so pissed off, I would only want to leave. Can’t relax, can only distract.