In this post I will be sharing a run down of symptoms I start to experience in the early stages of depression.
So a bit of background. I haven’t posted in ages, I’ve had either nothing or too much to say. What I will tell you, is about a week ago I had a mild hypomanic episode. Now the tables seem to be turning. Here’s how I know.
Sleep and Dreams
Last night I had vivid dreams leaving me questioning myself the next morning. Unlike what you’d probably expect, these dreams were mundane yet surreal. It was just me in my house going about life, but the colours were off, the atmosphere was off. I didn’t think too much into it when I woke up, they’re just dreams but somehow they have stuck with me through the day. It strikes me that this is something one of my favourite YouTubers, LizziesAnswers mentions in her bipolar experiences too.
Whilst I may not have paid much attention to my dreams, one thing I noticed immediately after waking was a distinct lack of energy and motivation. Instead of feeling ready to achieve and compete my list of things to do today, that list felt like a mountain. One I’d never conquer.
This progresses into a quick exhaustion of my physical and mental energy as I persisted in completing these tasks. I quickly became very tired and mentally overworked by simply completing a shopping list.
Distorted Relationship with Food
Ok so recently my relationship with food has changed. I started gaining weight so began to took steps towards reversing that by not snacking and reducing meal sizes while exercising. This was hard for a few weeks initially but I got used to it. Today was different, today I experienced a desire to comfort eat whilst simultaneously losing all interest in actually consuming food. I’m not sure how to explain how one person could have both. I wanted to binge, but couldn’t, I guess.
Negative Thoughts and Hopelessness
So today I just feel awful about the place in life I find myself in surrounding my job and my finances. I feel dissatisfied with my work/reward ratio which leads me to feel demotivated. Adding to the matter this makes me demotivated. I feel stuck, like I have no way out and regret all the decisions that have led me thus far.
As I type this I feel awful. Whilst I am not poor or in a dead end job, I don’t feel I have lived up to my potential. I don’t mean to be ungrateful, but I can’t help this sudden negativity which has surrounded me.
They are back with a bang, baby, and my god do I hate them. As we are only in day one. They are mild, I can fight them and not listen to them. They scare me, for the longer they persist the harder they are to ignore. They have returned today after a long silence. I haven’t missed them.
Whilst I haven’t been sobbing my eyes out today, part of me wants to. Unfortunately I can’t bring myself to, but I still feel tearful and as though that may be coming.
So, what next?
So I think that the next steps here are twofold.
You have identified that you are in depression. Next you must deal with your emotions towards this, and there could be many.
Right now I feel angry at myself, I haven’t been taking my medication properly. I feel angry at “god” for giving me this illness. I feel sorry for myself. I feel worried for what tomorrow may bring. These are only a few of the emotions I go trough when I realise I am in depression it is important, albeit difficult, to deal with these emotions. Only once you pass these reactions can you focus on emotional healing.
At the same time, you must commence your self care routine. Forget what you have or haven’t done recently. This is Day 0. Time to pull out all the stops. Take your meds, get to the gym, socialise, rest, reflect etc. And do what it takes to start your healing process.
You can read more about beating bipolar depression in my previous post here.